Halloween night …Greg not only eagerly agreed to go to the haunted house and fireworks festival with her, he hired a Town Car and driver, and picked her up at home shortly before 9:00.
Since her parents still hadn’t returned from their Serious Adult Social Gathering, Ammy didn’t have to worry about their reactions, good or bad. Good at the Town Car and uniformed driver, no doubt. Bad if they saw her in her goth attire … or Greg in his, though he’d eschewed the mesh-and-chains-and-leather look for something more Edwardian, with a long frock coat.
They hugged, and kissed, and despite her mood of giddy happiness she still felt something twist anxious and sad in the vicinity of her heart at the way he was being so careful with her, so careful and restrained.
She gave the driver one of Blaze’s fliers with directions, and settled into the back seat with Greg. As they drove through Founders Falls toward the highway, she told him all about Kayleigh, the trick-or-treater who’d come to her door.
“... so, they said they'd send me the pictures and I sure hope they do,” she finished.
“Ammy, that is so sweet.” He hugged her again. “You just made her and her family's year, you know that?”
“Made mine, too,” she said with a teary-eyed smile. “I just ... it was so the last thing I ever expected, you know?”
He handed her a tissue. “Hey, kitten, you done good. And why the last thing? People
love you, Ammy. Not just for what you represent, but for who you are. Your smile lights up the room when you walk in, your grace and charm shines through no matter what you're doing. You're courteous to a fault, and you have a heart that can hold the world. You're everything a superhero, and a truly wonderful person, should be.”
She leaned her head on his arm, and he kissed the top of her head. “Thanks … still not used to it, I guess, thinking about it that way.
Being that way.”
“Being what way? Wonderful? Magnificent? "Practically Perfect in every way?"”
“The being-a-famous-hero way,” she said, serious. “Gosh, when I was that age I would have given about anything to be allowed to go as Justice Woman for Halloween. Having someone want to go as
me ...” She did an amazed little headshake.
Greg smiled. “Ammy, I'll bet if you check with your agent, you'll find out that they want to license your costume for Hallowe'en. Even Michael got one of those letters.”
“Gosh.”
“He, uh ... made it very clear that he wasn't interested.” Greg kissed the top of her head again, paused, and said, “Heh. Your hair dye doesn't taste like blueberries. Just sayin'.”
“Hey, don't make a blonde spot!”
“I won't. Promise. Besides, we can always pick up a purple Sharpie, just in case ..
“No Sharpies on my hair either, hey, that would leave a purple spot when the rest washed out! How is he, though? Michael? And you? This time of year is so busy it's like we hardly see each other.”
“He's okay. He saw Nyx a while ago, and finally admitted to her that he's decided she's another daughter of his.” Affection warmed his voice. “He tries to be this hard case, but once he decides you're one of his ...”
“Aww, that's great!” Ammy said.
“He's ... kind of melancholy, though. This time of year's tough on him. He lost his wife around this time, then some friends back in the 1800s. A lot of people in the fires back in the early 1920s. And then dad's death and my ... association with the Circle.”
“Ooh, sorry to hear that.” She wrapped her arms around him in another hug. “But he's got you, and Nyx, to be there for him. That must help some.”
“Yeah, he does.”
“And his, um ... ladyfriends ...” she added, trying not to blush.
He laughed. “Yeah, his lady friends. Once you get to know 'em, they're not too bad. Especially now that they wear clothes around the house.”
Ammy raised her eyebrows at him, but rather that elaborate, he went back to her earlier question.
“As for me,” Greg said, “this time of year I have to do my own rituals to shore against the ritual that's inside of me.” He shrugged. “Not so much of the fun.”
“I kind of figured, with the magic and everything.”
“Yeah.” He held out a hand, and she saw that it was wreathed in darker shadow than normal. “Luckily, this year's easier to control. Michael says in a decade or so, I may not even need to do a rebinding.”
“That’s good,” she said, and squeezed his hand to show him she wasn’t afraid.
“Oh, by the way, I learned a new trick. Um, for you.”
Not without a touch of apprehension, Ammy asked, “What kind of trick?”
He concentrated, and the shadows around him began to glow a rich beautiful purple-black.
“Oh neat!” Ammy cried. “And good, gosh, for a second there I was about to get nervous.”
“Nervous?” Greg echoed, pulling some bottled water from the car’s mini fridge and handing one to her.
“Tricks and surprises and stuff ... I've been kind of, um, jumpy about that I guess ... skittish maybe.” She shuffled her goth-boot heels on the floorboards.
“Oh.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “Yeah.”
“Like I'm always tensed up waiting for the
next thing to happen ...”
Greg heaved a deep sigh. “Ammy, about that. I'm ... Gods, I can't even begin to tell you how sorry I am.”
“No, I mean, I understand,” she said.
“First, the whole ... the whole ritual mix-up, and then my behavior at the lake --”
“Um, well …” She failed at trying not to blush.
“I was way, way,
way out of line,” he continued. “And I know that nothing I can say or do will make that right, I'm hoping that you can find it in yourself to give me another chance. I promise I'll never behave that way again.”
“I ... it wasn't ...” She drew a breath, made herself focus, as he gently took her hand. “You didn't do anything bad, Greg, honest.”
“You mean the world to me, Ammy. And even if I didn't do anything
bad, per se, I did something I shouldn't have, and that could've led to some real consequences. If it's just me, that's one thing, but I'm not going to do something that could impact you like that. That's just not right.”
“I'm just ...” She looked away, out the window, at the darkened streets rolling by, at Halloween decorations in peoples’ yards.
“Just .. ?” he prompted, though warily, as if he wasn’t sure he really wanted to hear.
It still was no easier to talk about. If anything, it was worse. “I don't know ... shy, silly, old-fashioned, weird ... pick a word.”
He smiled. “How about sensible, realistic, old-fashioned, and right to say no?”
“And I mean there's girls at my school who do lots more, go lots farther, with guys they only even
met, but I ... that's not me.”
“No, it's not. And it shouldn't be. If it were, you wouldn't be who you are, but you are, so it can't be, because you're not, you know?”
“Yeah.” She sighed.
“So, Ammy, I'm trying to say that you were right to do what you did, and thank you for saying no. And I'm sorry -- sorrier than I can express -- that I thought for even a millisecond of wanting you to say yes.”
“And that, the, um, picnic stuff ... please don't think I'm mad, 'cause I'm not ... it really was, um --” blushing again “-- nice ... I'm just glad you aren't mad at me for not ...”
Greg’s eyes went wide. “Mad at you? Oh, gosh no! Furious with myself? Yeah. Disappointed in how I acted, yeah. Mad at you? Never for a moment.”
“I don't blame you for any of that. Please don't be mad at you either. You ... you like me, you like being with me, it's not as if you were just all ... grabby for no reason.” Hastily, she added, “Not to say you were grabby I mean! 'Cause you weren't.”
“But I
was grabby, and I shouldn't have been. My hands should've stayed where they're supposed to. I just ... if we can ... I want things to be okay between us. I want to go back to what we had before the picnic.” His voice dropped to a small, pained, near-whisper. “I've missed you.”
“Me, too,” she said, and clutched at his hand. His other arm encircled her. “The thing is, the ... it ... this is going to sound soooo dumb ... but the thing is, most of what weirded me out wasn't even at the picnic but ... before then.”
“The ritual screwup, or something else?” he asked.
Ammy hung her head. “Sort of, but not exactly.”
“Then what, Ammy? What ... please tell me.”
“I mean, I understand, I really
do, that it was a shock for you and you didn't know what to do or how to tell anybody, and it was
your feelings that mattered most so I don't have any place to be upset. But … I wish you'd told me ahead of time is all.”
Now Greg hung his head as well. “I know. I look back, and I know.”
“Not ... not sprung it on me like that in front of everyone,” she went on. And I know it's wrong of me to feel like that but ... well ...”
“I didn't mean to. I didn't even think of how it would, or what would happen. I just ...” He uttered a shaky laugh. “I just wanted to see you, to have you help me figure out how to fix it. I look back, and I was so
stupid about it. I have access to resources and scholars most mages would kill for, and all I could think of was that you could fix this ... because you make everything better. And again, I put my wishes in front of what was right for you.”
“It wasn't ...” She bit her lip.
“God, I'm just ...” Greg lightly pounded his forehead with a fist. “You're right. I should've called you. Should've let you know what was happening. What had happened.”
“I wish you'd told me, so I could be ready ...”
“I should've begged off. I should've told you.”
“Instead, it ... it felt like a trick, a trap,” Ammy said, miserably. “And I
knew it wasn't but ...”
“But that's what it felt like,” he said, his tone low. “You felt betrayed.”
“... there've been so many times lately, and it was like nobody trusts me enough to tell me anything …”
His face paled more than usual as her words fully sank in. “And you thought I didn't tr ... oh, oh ... shit.”
“Or they
want to throw big surprises at me in front of everyone to watch Ammy have another flip-out or meltdown,” she said. Ache in her heart, ache in her throat. “Either they think I can't handle it, or they want to see it happen …”
“Ammy, no,” Greg said. “No, no, no. Please,
please believe me, that was the last thing on my mind. The last thing I wanted to do to you.”
“I know ... I know it was different ... but after everything else ...”
He nodded. “Yeah. After everything else, I can ... I can see that.”
“Part of it, sure, part of it was the whole "oh hey surprise your boyfriend's a girl!" when, gosh, sorry, okay, maybe there's some people who would have been fine with that and I'm the dopey prude but jeez not everyone can be all amazing and ... and ... and into girls too or whatever ... so then part of it was the "Surprise!" and part of it felt like "now let's all laugh at silly boring non-bisexual Ammy" ... though I
know it wasn't --”
“Ammy ... I ....”
She realized she’d been ramping up toward one of her breathless, helpless tirades. Caught herself. Stopped herself. Turned away. “Sorry ... I know it wasn’t, I know that.”
Greg squeezed her hand again, then let go. In a low voice, he said, “You have nothing to be sorry about. I mean that. I'm the one who messed things up, big time. On any number of levels.”
“You didn't though ... you were upset yourself and gosh with every right to be, lots more than me.”
“No, no I didn't.” He raised his head and stared ahead blankly, at the tinted soundproof divider between them and the driver. “Ammy, I'm a ritualist. I screwed up a ritual, and I should've remained in the ritual space until the issue was resolved. That's nothing against you, or about you, it's how it should've been.”
“I don't blame
you for it, Greg, I'm not upset at
you ... I'm upset at the way it happened and at me for being the way I am and reacting the way I do. I know you wouldn't ever try to hurt me.”
“But Ammy, I'm upset at me
because of the way I acted. If I hadn't done what I did, then things wouldn't have happened the way they did. There wasn't anything wrong with how you reacted. If anything, you could've reacted a lot more strongly.”
“You had plenty of reasons,” she said.
“Plenty of reasons, maybe. But they were plenty of bad ones. I just ... I just didn't think. I've been acting, and reacting, but not thinking about it. Aside from causing pain, and confusion, and anxiety, it's dangerous.”
“And ... and I know I have ...” She took another deep breath and made herself go on. “... problems with people, problems with trusting so much and reacting so badly ... after the YP thing, and ... and the Squire thing and all that with Bashera and Meridian … it's no wonder they think I can't cope after all those …”
He folded his arms across his waist. “You have every right to have trust issues, Ammy.”
The way he sounded, so remote … “I hate it though, I hate being blindsided but I hate people also thinking they have to tiptoe and be all careful because I'm so darn fragile and high-strung.” She twisted her ponytail until it pulled tight and hurt her scalp.
“But there are middle grounds,” he muttered, and she couldn’t even now if he was hearing her at all. “I'm sure there are.”
Ammy plowed ahead anyway, unable to stop. “So they try not to tell me anything that might upset me but then it comes out, and it's worse for coming out when it happens like that and I do react badly and all it does is prove that they were right about me all along ... and then it only makes me wonder what
else nobody's telling me, when
that’s going to drop on me out of nowhere in front of everybody ...”
“And then the one person you should've been able to trust pulls the same stunt on you.”
He
was hearing her. Ammy nodded. “I know it wasn't, but ... kind of, yeah ...”
“Yeah.” He also nodded. “For whatever it might be worth, I don't think there's anything I haven't told you anymore, other than stuff that has no bearing on us. I mean, unless you want to know about rat spleens, toad eyes, and proper Turkish declensions.”
“I ... I didn't mean it like that ... I was trying to explain how I ... why I ...” Her breath hitched … so he was hearing her, but he wasn’t …
“No, Ammy, it's okay. Really. I treated you the way everyone else was, intentionally or not, and you reacted badly to it. Understandably so. In your shoes, I don't know that I would've reacted any better.”
Relief washed through her as she saw he did get what she was trying to say. “So that was why ... then with the picnic thing it, I don't know, first almost seemed like you wanted me to know for sure you still, you know, liked me ... that way ... except then when it was so ... too ...” Again, she blushed. “You backed off way far like you were afraid I was going to freak out again, like I couldn't cope with that either, the way people always seem like they have to be so darn careful around me --”
“Ammy ... I ...” He blushed too, blushed more than she’d ever seen, his whole face normally so very very pale going a red almost alarming. Then he spoke in a rush, the words all running together. “Idon'twearunderwearundershortsandIwasabouttohaveanorgasm.”
He sighed, shakily, and couldn’t look at her. Ammy paused, replaying the rush of words through her mind, deciphering …
A shocked sound squeaked from her throat.
“I backed off because I
really didn't trust myself right then,” Greg said, still without looking at her. “It wasn't you. It was me.”
Ammy sat speechless, with lots of blinking.
“I was really, really glad the water was cold, and really, really surprised it didn't start steaming,” he said.
“… um …” Ammy said, by now aware that she had also gone totally crimson.
Greg fidgeted and picked at minuscule specks of possibly imaginary lint on his black slacks. “So, yeah, I backed off. But I'm
not apologizing for that one.”
“... um ...” she said again.
“Ammy, I like you as you are. We don't have to have sex for me to like you, and sex isn't necessary to keep liking you. I mean, come on: I'm still a virgin, for pity's sake.”
Stammering, she said, “I ... um ... I meant ... not right then, but ... after, later ...”
“Oh.
Oh!” He blushed again, and muttered something that sounded like ‘me and my big mouth.’
“When ... um ... we'd go out and you'd only barely even kiss me like you thought I would smack you ... backed off like that, careful like that ...” floundered Ammy.
“I didn't want you to think I only wanted you for the sex.”
She stared at him, almost too flustered to form any more words right then … but since when had that ever stopped her? “I ... um ... well gosh I should hope it wasn't for ... that ... because I'm ... jeez I never even had a boyfriend before hardly ever went on any dates and …”
“I want you,” Greg said. “You. Star Amethyst. Amelia Montgomery. I don't want one of your Study Hall sluts, and I guess I was trying to show that rather than tell you. And I remembered me, and how I lost control at the lake, and ...” Again in the small, pained whisper, he said, “… and I didn't trust myself. I didn't want to screw up again, and I didn't know how to stop.”
“I guess to me it seemed like you didn't trust me not to get all weird, and ... sorry for thinking that way ... even if, gosh, here I am getting all weird so ...” She exhaled an unhappy laugh. “... maybe it's true.”
“No, it's not true. You're not weird, and you're not getting weird.”
She twisted her ponytail some more, with an unconvinced grimace.
“Ammy ... I didn't want to screw up again, and I didn't know how to stop. I was doing the same kind of overthinking you were. "I'm going to screw up again" and "I have to do everything I can to keep enough distance so I don't." That was stupid of me, I know. But how can I blame you for wondering, when I was the one contributing to the reason for your wonder?”
“I don't think you screwed up,” she said.
“But there's the rub. You don't think I screwed up, and I don't think you were in the wrong for feeling what you did, and I don't think you were getting weird. So are we both wrong, both right, or both ... teenagers?”
“Yes to all three?” she ventured.
With a weak chuckle, he said, “Yes to all three. Ammy, I'm ... I'm a guy. A teenage guy. I'm rich, I'm educated, I'm independent, I'm emancipated, and I'm a teenage guy.”
She nodded.
“I'm screwed up, and I can't convince myself that what I'm doing is sensible at least half the time, but all I can do is try to do better.”
“I sure know how that is, too.” Did she ever!
“I promise -- I give you my word -- that I will do my best to never leave you out of the loop, or spring unwelcome surprises on you again, if you choose to give me another chance. I'm not going to say no to all surprises: I still want to give you gifts or take you places you haven't seen, but I swear I'll try and cut out all unwelcome surprises. I
do think you can handle it, Ammy. And by "it", I mean anything.”
“I don't need a promise like that ... I just wanted to explain, so you'd understand. And I think, I hope, you really do.”
“You may not need a promise, but I want you to know that I'm serious about this. Michael calls it 'warts and all.' And ... I do understand. I really do.”
“I cleared things up with Bashera at last and it was driving me crazy feeling like there was this big muddled distance like that with us too.”
“I don't want there to be that distance,” Greg said.
“Me either.”
He glanced at her. “Do I ... will you ... can we try again? Clean slate?”
“Try again? Were we ... not?” Suddenly stricken all over again, she tried to read his dark eyes. “Did we break up or something and I didn't even know it so now we try and get back together? Was it ... was it that bad?”
“No, no, no.” He hit himself in the head again. “I just ... we ... because of the ...”
Ammy caught his hands. “Stop that already, gosh.”
He spent a moment obviously trying to get his thoughts together, then said, “With all of the screw-ups, and miscommunication, and everything else, I was wondering if we could set the bad parts of the last few months aside and focus on the good ones, and start over. That's all I meant.”
She relaxed with relief. “Okay, good. Though I think maybe we should learn from the goofs instead?”
“Oh, agreed. Definitely. No more surprises, unless they're good ones. Keeping in the loop. Um, no more picnics wearing shorts. And stop worrying about what anyone else thinks or does.”
“I don't know about that last one ... I wish I could, but ...I still do. A lot.”
“I know, but ... I guess I mean don't worry about what your schoolmates do with their boyfriends, or whether or not they think you don't deserve to have one, or they're surprised you do, or anything like that. I mean, yeah, listen to your parents, and your teachers, and things like that, but everything else, not a biggie, y'know?”
“
My parents?” she asked, looking at him.
He considered that. “Okay, good point. Um, William and Sean?”
“Better,” she said, with a little giggle. “Lots better. And I know, the girls at school, it shouldn't matter, it shouldn't bug me ... them, or any of our other friends ... I know.”
“If the kids at school get on your nerves, just think WWGMD.”
Ammy laughed. “Study Hall Body Slam of Justice!”
He also laughed. “Yeah. Or imagine Michael just looking over his glasses at them.” They both laughed some more at that image, then he asked, “How are they doing, anyway? William and Sean?”
“They're doing great, and now that they're all moved in you should come over some time for dinner or something.”
“I'd like that. I like them both.”
“It's so good having them in town, being able to stay there when things are tough at home.”
Greg smiled. “So you've moved in with them, then?”
“Well, not totally ... Mom and Dad wouldn't go for that. Oh and um I should tell you part of how they got them to agree to this much was by telling them that if they kept trying to control my life I might just up and move in with you, so ...” She gave him an apologetic look, and he quirked a grin in response. “I guess it shut Mom up fast though.”
“Well, I do have bedrooms to spare …”
“So in case they mention it or Mom gets snippy at you again ...” Ammy shrugged. “Not that it was your idea even, but you know how she can get.”
“Yeah, I do. I could always tell her I'd pay for a year's apartment rent as an early birthday gift.”
“Thanks, but this works so far, really.”
“That's the important thing.” He turned to face her, holding her hands. “So, Ammy, I'd like to rebuild what we had, and make it even stronger, if that sounds good to you.”
“It sounds great to me.” She leaned against him again. Feeling just so much better they’d talked this out and –
“Um, actually, on the subject of total disclosure ...” Greg said. He gestured in what she recognized was one of his warding spells, adding to the privacy already provided by the soundproof divider.
Feeling just so much less better now, eek …
“Uh-oh?” Ammy asked, anxious.
“Well ... um ... the Aspirant?”
Even more anxious, she said, “What about him?” And tried without much success to brace herself for gosh-knows-what was going to hit her now.
“He told me his secret identity. I didn't know if you knew I knew, so I wanted you to know I knew, you know?”
“He ... he did ...? Oh ...”
“Yeah. It was a bit of a shock.”
“Um ... yeah ...” Ammy said. “But ... you can probably see how ... with my mom ...” She fidgeted, tugged on the sides of her coat.
“Hey, yeah. I can,” Greg said with a wry smile. “Wealthy, handsome, unattached and 'normal' -- as far as she knows, anyway -- good breeding, educated ...”
“And I couldn't tell you, can't tell anyone, I promised, Big Promise, so ... I hope that's okay.” She squirmed, unable to believe they were talking about this.
“Hey, of course it's okay. We all have secrets that we
can’t share. And, hey, there's also your feelings for him.” He squeezed her hands. “Which I'm okay with. Honestly.”
“I ... I feel so ... bad about all that ...”
“There's no reason to feel bad, Ammy. He asked you to hold a confidence, and you did. You honored his request.”
“No, not the promise ... the ...” She shut her eyes, most definitely not able to believe they were talking about
this! “... other part. Like I should be guilty and I should be sorry but I ... I can't really be because ... I'm not, but I am, but I'm not. But I am.” Then she slumped forward and put her hands over her face. “Which doesn't make any sense.”
Greg wrapped his arms around her. “Yeah, Ammy, it does. You can love a lot of people, and you can be in love with a lot of people. Love doesn't constrain itself just because society says it should. Just talk to Michael about it sometime. Heck, talk with Sean and William about what type of love is wrong. You love him, and you love me. And maybe they're at different intensities, and maybe they're different feelings. But they're the feelings you have, so they can't be wrong.”
Ammy raised her head and gave him a long, tearful, searching look. “Really?”
“Really,” he said. And all she was in his eyes was truth, love, heartbreaking sincerity.
“I didn't ever mean it to be like this ... it just ... is,” she said.
“I know, kitten.” He held her, whispered. “It just is. “And I'm okay with it being just as it is.”
“I'm glad you understand, and you don't hate me for it.”
“Ammy, there's very little you could do to make me hate you.”
With a half-laugh, half-frown, she asked, “Do I even want to know what?”
“Well ... um ... hm.” He pondered, then listed off some ludicrous examples. “... trying to kill Michael, maybe? Good luck with that, though. Exorcising Nyx. Uh ... insulting my dad's memory? I guess things like that.”
“Take after my mom's side of the family? If
that happened, I totally wouldn't blame you one bit.”
“Nah, that wouldn't make me hate you. Pity, maybe, but not hate.”
“But, really, thanks ... thanks for not minding so much.”
“You're welcome, kitten.” He hugged her a moment longer, and she held tight. Then he kissed her, and released the privacy spells.
She realized the car had come to a stop, some time she didn’t know when. They were here. Blinking up at Greg, she said, “And thanks for suggesting this brand of waterproof eyeliner.”
He laughed. “You're completely welcome there,
ma belle. Ready for a hayride?’
“Hayride, yes. Unless, and knowing Blaze's family it's a real possibility, the wagon goes off a cliff and explodes.”
Greg smiled at her. “Then we fly.”
**
-- C.
*****
@Incineratrix and @Seema -- 2 accounts for the 3 of us
http://www.christine-morgan.com/ -- Christine's books
http://sabledrake.livejournal.com/ -- Personal journal
http://incineratrix.livejournal.com/ -- CoX journal
*****
